Well, I’m still going crazy. I managed to skip three of my classes today. A couple minutes into our theater class the teacher hadn’t shown up and I got this great idea to go to Fuddruckers so we took off. I still don’t know if he showed up or not. I was going to be too late for math class so I wasn’t planning on going to that and then because I had Nathaniel with me and I also knew that I needed to get back to Fallbrook to video tape Audrey I skipped my anatomy class. I’m kind of glad I did because we spend a long time video taping.

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I’m really going crazy now. I think I’ve been seriously depressed for the past couple days. I haven’t felt like eating; I haven’t felt like there is any reason to live, no one to live for. I’ve been so mixed up as to what to do for school and I’ve been so tangled up … that I just don’t know what to do or think. I know what I really want to do, or rather have happen, …

What I’m thinking I should do for college is that I should go away to somewhere like UoP … I’m afraid to go away to a school where I don’t know anyone at all, but I really don’t want to go to a school where I kind of know a bunch of people like I would at SDSU or at Cal Poly SLO. I have a hard time working with people that I kind of know because I feel like they have impressions that I have to meet or that they just can’t see me doing something or whatever. Like I said, what I’d really like to do is go to school … I do need to think about going to LA with Chris & Tina and maybe going to law school with Tina, but I’m not sure if I really want to live with Chris & Tina. We could also probably get Ryan to live in with us and then we could probably get a pretty nice house, but I’m just not sure if I really want to be with all of them. My dream would be to go to Univ. of the Pacific …

I’ll have to ask Audrey tomorrow about sitting in on her meeting with Karen… I guess I’m going and video taping her and Melody do some routines at practice, but I just found out that I guess she had also called Ryan last week and asked him to come video tape things. …

Well, I didn’t have time to write last night, but nothing major happened. I don’t think I even got to see Audrey. … I told her that she got too demanding and that I was just going to get demanding in return and make her guess. She never did guess. I ended up following her to Rite Aid and then most of the way to her house before she got a phone call from a friend and had to help a friend and then I followed her there. I finally just left the roses on her car and I hope that everything worked out ok in the end. I haven’t heard from her yet. I kind of wish that I had just given in at one point and had given them to her, but it just seemed like fun to make her think about it. …

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I did something really bad today.. Well, I guess I should go in chronological order… First I went to the career center to sit in on the University of the Pacific presentation. … I think I could really see myself there. … I think I need to write the guy who was here today and ask him that question and maybe some others that I’ll have to come up with still.

OK, now that bad thing I did today… I bought my third digital camera in a month or so! I somehow convinced myself that I needed a D100, so I went out and bought one, and the lens to go with it, oh yeah and the $100 camera bag which I’m not sure if I like or not. It’s so worth the money though. I wish I had just gone with it in the first place. It’s so nice to be able to spin the lens instead of pushing a zoom lever. It’s so much quicker than the 5700 too. It’s just like using the N65 35mm camera except that you can only take about 6 pictures in sequence instead of an entire roll. The camera is a little heavy though, especially when you ad the flash to the top of it. I seem to really be getting into this digital photography. I think I would really be interested possibly in a career in photojournalism or something along those lines. Although I have to admit that I really see myself running some type of business and not getting to have any of the fun… I’m really starting to lean towards event coordinating. I think that could be a really fun thing to do and I’ve already got some experience doing it with all the events at the high school. Maybe I’ll have to work on organizing them better and keeping better notes, etc.

Well, after I got the camera I flew back to school to take pictures during lunch and fell in love with the camera except that I’m mixed on the additional 1.5x magnification. It makes it really hard to take pictures of people who are closer than about 10 feet to me. I’m going to have to go get a 28-80mm lens or something for it. After school I went and shot pictures of the field hockey game which I’m very glad to report that we won 7-1. I only took like 400 pictures and had to constantly clear out the compact flash cards… I just ordered 3 more 512 mb cards so that I can take more pictures without having to clear out the cards. I’m hoping that I can get them by Thursday when I want to go to the San Pasqual game. …

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I skipped school today so that I could sleep a little longer and hopefully get some studying done for my test on Wednesday. It doesn’t seem like I really got anything done today and I doubt there is much in my future for tomorrow. Every time I try to sit down and think about something I just get …

… Since I’ve been thinking about it, I actually do really enjoy event planning, running homecoming and airbands and all the other stuff. Maybe I would make a good event coordinator, well, actually I’m pretty sure I would make a great event coordinator as long as I could get along with the people. I think I could do a much better job than many of the people that I work with on a daily basis. Maybe I’ll have to consider that as a minor or maybe as another major. It would be kind of odd to do information systems and event coordinating, but it could be a good backup and who knows which I would actually find more interesting. … I emailed Karen Ricci today to try to set up an appointment to speak with her …

… I really ended up not doing much today. I cleaned in the morning and then got ready … I kept telling myself to do homework, but I didn’t get to it until about half and hour before I had to get ready to go to GT. …

… The real problem is that most college decisions have to made here pretty soon. I really need to meet with Karen Ricci and explore my options, I just haven’t had the time. I’m really hoping that I can get caught up on some stuff around here this weekend. It’s going to be a though week coming up with homecoming and stuff everyday. …

I’m going crazy. I need something to hold on to. I feel myself falling into this pit of depression where I just don’t have any reason to be here. I have nothing to live for, I wouldn’t be missed. I wouldn’t miss anyone. I sometimes consider that maybe going away to school wouldn’t be a bad thing because I could probably start completely over again, but I don’t think I can wait 10 months. I think I’ll be crazy or dead by then. I need something to happen soon. I can’t stand being alone. Father, please help me. I need your help. Please help me make more friends, become better friends with those I already know … Thank you Father.

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I can’t think of much else worth reporting. Not much is new. I’m still way behind in everything and just can’t keep myself focused. I need someone … to keep me in check. Well, I’m going to sleep now. Good night!

Can’t think of anything major that happened today, besides me being sure that I bombed my math test. I really need to devote more time to school and make that my priority. Alana’s in town for the weekend so we went out to dinner, a movie and dessert after I worked a wedding, without Audrey at GT. … Well, it’s late, I’m tired, so I’m going to go to bed now. Thank you Lord for everything today.

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I think I’m going to end up selling my old powerbook (pismo) to Nathaniel. I’ve already given it to him, I’m just waiting for the money from him which will probably take some time. I think it will be good for him because he can send it out and get it upgraded to a G4 500 and then that will be a pretty decent laptop. It has a lot of features that this one doesn’t that I kind of miss. The biggest is the two bays for batteries or drives or whatever.

Chris and I went for a bike ride this morning and I tried to kill at least him if not both of us. He was almost dead coming back up the hills and I wasn’t too much ahead of him. I actually had to ride home and then go back out to find him although by the time I found him he was only about 3/4 of a mile away from home. He could have made it, but he really appreciated the pepsi and M & M’s that I brought him. The ride ended up being 36 or 37 miles and most of it was really hilly. We’re talking just about Guacamole Grande equivalent. We just climbed hills everywhere: Via del Robles, Canonita, Wilt, 395 to Rainbow, Couser Canyon, Liliac and Via Monserate/Alta Vista.

I spent the rest of the day sitting at home pretty much doing nothing. I caught up on some TV even though I have tons of homework & studying to do for tomorrow. I haven’t done anything and am just hoping that I can get it all done during break tomorrow. I did spend some time today thinking about the future and plans and all that. I got into reading the books Debbie bought me for graduation looking for tips and advice, but I can’t say that I found anything too life-shattering. I also looked through some old yearbooks and starting thinking about all the good old times. How I miss Aimee and Amy along with many others. I haven’t talked to either one of them for a while now. I still can’t believe that Aimee and Logan are planning on getting married. I just have such a hard time believing that, but they’ve been together for quite some time now so it doesn’t seem like they’re rushing into things, I just don’t think that I want to see Aimee married. I guess it either reflects on my life or takes Aimee out of the possibilities for me. I think it would make hanging out with her harder, but then again I don’t know. I really want her to be happy; that’s all that really matters. I regret that I don’t have more time to keep in touch with all these old friends: Alana, Jenn, April, Nicole, Kami, etc. I guess that’s just life that friends come and go, except for a special few.

I got into thinking about how I would look back on this time of my life and it’s so hard to say because it depends so much on how things turn out. …

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. – 1 Cor 13:4-8

I need to just try to follow this at all times and think of it whenever I think about love. God, please direct me as to where I should be going with my life. Let me know that I’m striving for a purpose and what that purpose is. I sometimes wonder why I’m here and what the world would be missing if I wasn’t here. …

Not much happened today. Went for a bike ride with Chris in the rain (wasn’t raining when we left!) did some homework, worked on the school website, went to a field hockey game and then went to dinner & shopping with Chris & Tina. We unfortunately lost the game today, but I’m just happy to have any chance to see Audrey. … I can’t think of anything major to tell you, so I’m going to go to bed because I’m so darn tired!