Aimee came down last night and we worked on finding some old video footage for her. It was fun, I wish that I could spend more time with her – and going through old tapes. All the memories of times past. I wish our pep rallies were like they were back then, but I guess the kids have just lost interest. I tried to show the kids videos of the past in order to get them to improve the pep rallies, but it didn’t seem to help much.

Back to the important subject: Aimee! It felt like it had been so long since I had seen her and our time together was too short. …

Last night we drove out to Oscar’s for take-out and then came home to eat it while we were working on capturing video. We met this morning for breakfast at the Wayside before we came back to the house to work on editing the video. Like I said before, …

Well, I’m “working” at the Bob and we’re about to get out of here, so I need to end this so that I can actually get it online and figure out what is going on for the rest of the evening. …

I can’t handle having …

…

Off the ever popular subject, I actually caught up on payroll today and figured out most of the Germain past-due invoices. I still have quite a bit of paperwork to catch up on and after picking up W-2s tonight I can probably run those tomorrow and at least be legally caught up with all the paperwork for a month or so. I didn’t get started on the cheer video today, even though I wanted to – I just ran out of time and knew that some things (like payroll) had to get done today.

I went out to dinner with pyro and Batchelor at Outback in Oceanside tonight after taking dinner over to Alison and her mom. After Outback I hit up Staples and then Oscar’s for a gift certificate. Then it was back to the de Jongs to hang out with Alison for a while, and bring Mandy some ice cream. Ryan ended up calling and invited us to Friday’s with Megan and himself. It took some convincing and some time convincing Alison that she could go out without taking a shower, but we finally were off to Friday’s. I think it was good for Alison to get out of the house and it was kind of nice to try to keep my mind from getting all wrapped up in the issues at hand.

I can’t wait to … I’m going to try to catch some sleep here, if I can convince myself that …

I just now finally finished watching this movie which I started watching sometime before I went to San Francisco. I know that I really wasn’t paying too much attention to it when I watched the first half, and I definitely know that I still had things on my mind when I watched the second half this morning, but it was a good movie and really hit home.

So many things to think about in the movie: love, abortion, abuse, orphans, war and more, more, more. Between this movie and …, I don’t think I’ll ever look at any of these the same. I’ve never been sure of a stance to take on abortion, because I can argue for both sides of it. I thank God …

Some interesting thoughts from last night from Alana and then Alison. Alana presented a quote: “God only gives us what we can handle.” She continued that “Everything happens for a reason…” Alison later echoed this same statement in her own way later last night, something like: If it is meant to be, it will work out somehow. If not, there will be something better.

I’ve kind of thought about these statements before, but never really sat down and thought about them. It is my personal feeling that what is currently happening is the sign of what is meant to be. God is giving us the second (or more) chance because we (I) never did anything about it in the past and maybe we were supposed to. Now that we’re here, he’s trying to get us to realize it. I don’t know, and I guess I really never will know God’s ways, but we can choose to accept the circumstances that he puts us into, because “God only gives us what we can handle.”

Well, I have a long and ever growing list of things that I need to handle today so I think it’s time to start checking them off the list. …

All I wanted to do was go for a bikeride! Ryan and I tried to go for a bikeride this morning, but seemed to run into issues all along the way. Once we finally got around to going – it was almost 11 and as usual he didn’t show up until about 11:15, even though we were supposed to meet at 10:50. He said that his tires were flat and he had to pump them up, well I guess that’s ok, but then he decided to pull out a thorn that was sticking in his front tire and we could just hear the air flying out! Then he found another thorn and took it out. We tried to fix the flat there on the road, but my glue like stuff was all dried up so we walked the bikes home from the meeting point (Alta Vista & Hillside) – 3/5s of a mile. There we fixed the flat with a patch kit that still worked and then we finally hit the road again. We were riding for a bit and then Ryan decided that his back tire was flat so we stopped to pump it up. Well, two or three more stops later we finally made it almost home when his tire just decided it had enough. He walked up the hill to my house and then we threw the bike in the truck and took it in to the shop for a little tune-up and some new tubes.

That’s about all that I physically did today. I didn’t get anything done on the video that I need to be working on to stay out of trouble, but as usual spent the rest of my idle time trying to figure out what I was going to do with …

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Not much to report today. Did a memorial service at Grand Tradition which gave me quite a bit of reflection time amongst listening to the sermon here and there. After Grand Tradition I stopped by the high school to see what was going on at the Bob (Music Society) and to figure out if Batch wanted me to work for him so he could go home and work on his videos or not. He didn’t so I came home, changed and then went back to the school to find some video tapes for my next project. After I got my tapes I went to the Bob and waited for the guys to get done so we could go to “The Bar” (TGI Friday’s). Ryan, Batch and I went for the first time in a long time and it was good thing that I called ahead because they had quite a bit of a wait to be seated. Now it’s home, trying to respond to email messages, but each time that I try to send a message Mail is crashing on me. I think I must have hit its limit as to how many messages you can send in one day or something like that. I can’t really figure out what the problem is and I’ve even restarted the whole computer! Oh well. I guess it’s good for me to not be able to send emails – everyone else will appreciate the break I think.

As usual I spent all of my day thinking about …

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Maybe things will work out for him and this girl. I hope they do, I’d like to see Batchelor happy. It’s interesting to see how much he is like me. It seems like every day I wonder where he has been all this time, but I guess that’s how life always goes. It just scares me how similar we are when it comes to things. He deserves to be happy.

I talked to …

OK, I think I’ve written enough books lately so I’m going to try to end this before I just write the same stuff over and over again about how much I love …

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Today was a trying day in paradise. It almost felt as if … I know she is frustrated with me, but I’m not sure what to do to fix it. No matter what I say, it seems only to aggravate her because she didn’t think I was telling the truth, but I think I was. I’m scared that she is nearing a decision on what to do and she is so worried about hurting me that the decision has to be against me, doesn’t it?

I told her that a part of me would be happy to see her be able to work things out … Life feels so right when I’m with her, I’m having a problem imagining life without her, but I do acknowledge that it exists. I’m sure that it will take a little bit of time for the reality to sink it, but it will and I’ll get back to where I was a couple months ago, however good or bad that was.

I wish that things weren’t so complicated. Why couldn’t I have said or done something years ago? The past is history and nothing can be done about it now, so I keep telling myself not to ponder it. The future is what counts. The question is how hard do I fight for her this time around? Last time I was just silent along with most of the times before. Sometimes I want to push her all the way to choose me because it just feels like the right thing to do. If she can be happy with me and I know that I can be happy with her, what else do we need? Isn’t this that chance at everlasting happiness that everyone looks for? Isn’t this the moment that everyone else waits a lifetime for?

At other times I think I just want to run away from it all because I can’t stand the stress, but I know that I can’t do that because it would just cause more stress for me and be another what if. What if I push her too hard though and she runs away because she is scared? I guess the best thing to do is “just to love and let yourself be loved in return.” That’s what I’ve been trying to do, but it’s so hard. I love her with all my heart. There have been some others, but no one compares to her in any way shape or form. I’ve been dreaming of spending my life with her for seven years now and here we are, three years out of high school for me and she is all that I can think about all day and night. I keep trying to spend time with other friends and such, but they can’t take my mind off of things for more than a second or two.

I know I’ve been bad company lately and I’m sorry to all the friends who have stuck with me through it. Give me two weeks and one way or the other it will hopefully all be settled or at least the direction will be clear. I’m sorry that I can’t tell you about what’s going on, but you’ll get to hear about most of it, maybe, in two weeks.

I know she’s going just to run away from things and I don’t blame her, but I don’t think it’s going to help her see things any clearer, but I guess you never know what it takes for things to just click on sometimes. I just worry about her. She has got to be going through so much stress right now that I don’t know how she can get up and face the world on a daily basis. I’m having enough problems where I am in things and I’ve tried to put myself into her shoes and I just can’t get there. From the closest that I’ve been able to get, I don’t think I know what I would do. There is quite a bit in all ways. Would I just continue the current roller-coaster or would I take a chance on something new that could lead to a new world? Change is hard.

“Don’t be so quick to always choose the new. Not everything old is bad, nor everything new good.” – Paul C. Brownlow

At the same time, what would the world be like if we never did anything new? Isn’t life all about it’s experiences and the mistakes that we make? Shouldn’t we want to take chances to try things out to see what could come of them? It’s hard to say what I would do in her shoes, but I think that I would want to try to find the best thing possible. (That’s why I use a Mac!)

…

I talked to my mom today after I got off the phone with …

In other news, I ended up going over to the de Jong’s last night and we played some games until about 11 something when Alison decided it was time for bed and we both went home (she is house-sitting). It was nice to have some fun, even though I wasn’t very good at the games and was worried about getting someone sick, even though I’m not sick myself.

This morning after writing my first volume of the day I joined Alison, Patty, Alana and Tim for breakfast at the Sunrise Cafe in Bonsall. It was pretty good, but I didn’t get as much french toast as I was expecting, but that’s good because I couldn’t possibly have ate it all anyways. After breakfast it was back on the phone to my beloved and then home to sit in the same chair all day either writing or on the phone. I did get up a couple times to eat a part of a pumpkin spice doughnut though – and I blew off the driveway, something I was a little far behind on doing.

We’ll see what tomorrow has to offer I guess. I’ll be working at the GT doing a memorial service – that should be great for my current mental condition. After that I’m not sure what I’ll do, but maybe I’ll take over for Batch at the Bob so he can go back to working on his videos or maybe I’ll start working on some videos of my own that someone has been bugging me to do for a while. I love you. I’ve got some episodes of Joan of Arcadia to catch up on and then I’m off to bed. I’m so tired already! Lauren has blessed me with her permission to go to sleep, so I think this is it!

“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push – a smile. A word of optimism and hope, a ‘you can do it!’ when things are tough.” -– Richard De Vos

Here I am stuck at the Bob again for another fun filled night. I actually wish that all of the shows we did were this easy. I’ve gone through most of my email for the day, at least the email that I want to deal with and now I’m just sitting here reflecting. I got that quote this morning in my email and I just thought it was the best of the ones there, but after I’ve been thinking about it for a minute or two, it actually kind of connects to life. I knew when I first read it that it was true, but I didn’t relate it. Kristi gave me a little push today and I think it was nice to get that push of support instead of the usual be careful, don’t get hurt, … or whatever else people have been saying. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all your comments and such, but it’s nice to have someone supporting what I’m doing. Of course, it’s really hard because none of you know the full story.

Ryan and I went to the Grand Tradition today to fix some of the things they’ve been breaking and to take care of some things that I was supposed to do a long time ago like wire up the podium and the new rear house input for the piano. Thanks to Ryan for coming and do most of the work while I dealt with the projector and then talked with Desoree for a while about the status of things. I’m supposed to go back to working everything but Saturday nights and I told her that I will be going to Fullerton Mon-Wed. Of course, if things work out, that could change some stuff there too. I do miss working many of the weddings – hanging out with Jer, Kristen, Matt and the rest of the crew. I miss the good old days of Saturday nights with Desoree doing seating while Jeremiah and myself sat there trying to pick on her all night long. It just isn’t the same anymore.

No clue what I’m doing when I get out of here. I hear that Alana is in town, maybe I’ll get a chance to hang out with her, although I don’t know how good of company I am these days…

Not much else to report I guess. I talked to … I love you!

I finally talked to her this morning after I gave up waiting for her to call and I took another chance at waking her up. She said that she just fell asleep last night and that’s what I figured happened, but I was worried none the less. She said she isn’t feeling any better which is no good … Oh well, really not much that one can do about it. She is still worried that I’m going to get it – and if I do it would probably start to show up late tonight or tomorrow morning according to the three day rule, but we’ll just have to wait until then to see. I’ve been getting a lot of sleep lately, so hopefully that will help me stay away from it…

She called me back at 9:30 to tell me that the doctors finally called her back and told her to get in there right away. That worries me if they had to call her back. I’m worried that this could be something more serious that what we all think it is, but she said she’d call me as soon as she finds anything.

And there she is. The doctor … Supposedly anyone that she has even spoken with could get sick and I think I definitely qualify for that category. …

I just finished my glass of orange juice she is making me drink because she wants me to load up on vitamin c and whatever else to try to ward this sickness off. Sadly, I’d almost rather …

Just looking at her journal, and then …

I keep thinking, thinking and doing more thinking and it appears to me that the only reason for …

… I guess two years down the road I would be finishing up school at Fullerton and looking for a job. I don’t know anything more than that. I would obviously still have to be there …

I say that I wouldn’t want to go through it again, but I wouldn’t want to take anything back out of the last 7 weeks. It’s been crazy, but I’m very happy with what has happened. I just hope that happier days are ahead and that two years down the line I’m getting out of CSU Fullerton and looking forward to the best day of my life that would probably be coming up shortly …

Another thing I’ve been thinking about lately is what Friend of a Friend first said and a couple others have echoed since then. Basically, they’ve said that one shouldn’t go looking for a wife, but I haven’t done that I don’t ever see myself doing it. My response to him was “Sounds like you’ve got it right… I know that I can’t go looking, and I haven’t been and never was planning on it – that just isn’t me. I’ve always been hoping that she would just “fall” into me at some point.” But who is to say that I didn’t fall into her or she didn’t fall into me 7 years ago during my sophomore year of high school and we just haven’t done anything about it until 7 weeks ago?

Something else I’ve heard from people in the know is “don’t get hurt.” Well, that’s great and all, but I’ve had 7 years of getting hurt because I never did anything about it. Now that I want to do something about it and we seem to be doing something about it, I’m even more afraid of getting hurt, but either I just get hurt without trying to do something about it, or maybe I get hurt a little more after trying to do something. And of course, this always the optimal outcome of not getting hurt and finally being able to declare to the world …

I want to be there…

One last thing, I found myself this morning rehearsing …

…!

“Don’t tell me that worrying doesn’t do any good. Most of the things I worry about don’t happen.”

Well, that phone call that I worried about for 3 hours today turned out to not be the answer I’ve been waiting sleeplessly for. …

After the Bob today Alison and I went out to dinner at Oscar’s and then drove up to Krispy Kreme because she was going through withdrawals. They still had pumpkin spice doughnuts so I ordered up 2 boxes even though I know I won’t be able to finish one box before they go bad! Alison and I talked quite a bit which was nice. I think she now knows a good part of the story and it was kind of nice to get her input and how she related to things. I’m still in a position where I would turn around and …

I guess I’m going to go to bed and just hope that I will wake up when …

Here we go, time to leave The Bob. I’m getting really nervous about this phone call. I’d say pray for me, but I never thought that was right, so how about this.. pray for her to make the right decision – whether or not that’s what this phone call is about.

I love you…

So, she says she has something to tell me and for me to call her after I get off work this afternoon. It’s been driving me crazy for an hour and a half. What does she want to tell me? Is it news I’m going to want to hear? Is it the answer I’ve been looking at getting for a month now? I guess an hour and fifteen minutes will tell me. I just hope I don’t wake her up when I call.

On a side note, … That could be good or bad. This could be good or bad. It’s killing me to think of what she want’s to tell me. Is this the answer or is it just something trival that she wants to tell me? She sounded kind of happy … when I talked to her, so I don’t think it’s bad news for me, but it could be if she got things to work out. I so don’t know and I can’t stand just sitting here at the Bob because there isn’t much work to do to keep my mind off of this…

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